lixie’s dinner

N organized a grill party yesterday evening and I went there. At first, I didn’t want to go, because I didn’t want to feel awkward being around the girl that I adore so much, but I decided to go because I really wanted to see N.

She and I had a little chit chat, and I was happy. I could spend more time talking to her, but she hosted the event, so I didn’t want to disturb her. To make myself happy, and also to show her how much I care for her, I helped her a little. It’s nice to see her smile, but too bad I couldn’t stay long. Well, if I wanted to stay longer, I wanted to spend more time with N. I guess it was impossible.

I have been thinking to get over this feeling completely. It actually has been there since November. It died down for a while, but it came back on. It’s some sort of a crush that won’t stop. Maybe “somebody” wrote an intentional infinite loop for the feeling. I just can’t stop adoring N.

I had to submit a summary of my thesis’ research, but, while doing the summary, I couldn’t get her out of my head. I excused myself to her before I left, and she said, “I will think of you.” Out of nowhere, I said, “Me too.” She was surprised, and why did I say that? So, apparently, I kept on thinking of her.

I’m planning on asking her out for a cup of coffee or tea. Maybe, this will be too obvious, but I guess I don’t care. The semester is almost over and let will be will be. If it is ruined, then it is ruined.

Wait! I’m still thinking about N.

I missed N today. She didn’t come to class, and I missed seeing her around. Do you think she knows how I feel about her? Some friends sent me an audio greeting card, so I figured I would make one myself and sent it to N. I was a little nervous to send her the greeting card, but I sent it anyway. I don’t know how she will react to it.

N. Oh, N. I wish I could forget about her. She is about eight years younger than me (It kind of makes me think how it feels to be at her age). Honestly, I wish I could be frank with her. “We don’t really have a well-established relationship. So, why not ruin it?” that’s what my heart always says.

Somehow, I feel that she and I will meet again someday. Maybe we will run into each other in the States, or maybe I will go to France. O, did I say France? Err, that’s where she is from.

If only N…exerts some sort of gravitational force…to my lamenting soul, then I will be a happy person.

How are you, N?

The title sounds rude, but I don’t intend it that way. I’m sorry.

You know, I miss drinking jasmine tea because that’s the kind of tea that I drank in my hometown. So, I went to an Asian store last week and I was happy when I found jasmine tea. I bought it and made a cup of jasmine tea this morning. It was great, great, and great, but too bad that I didn’t have a lot of time to enjoy the tea. I was late for class, so I had to hurry.

The funny thing about the tea is that it comes with a manual. It’s not that I don’t know how to make a cup of tea (That doesn’t come in a bag), but I read the manual (As if I never made a cup of tea before) out of curiosity. Hah! That manual really surprised me. It’s like, “RTFM before you treat yourself with a cup of jasmine tea. We just wanna make sure that your tea is as delicious as the smell.” It even has a smell!

I know I am being a jerk (Here). I am sarcastic and why do I even bother writing this kind of note? Well, I haven’t written anything these days, because I have made myself not to do a lot of thinking. It gets tiring and boring sometimes (But I have been thinking about someone, mind you, and it is not tiring and boring at all). Although I know that there is no potential future, given that gravity does not interfere in our acquaintanceship, I do it anyway, because she is attractive (It’s N). There, I said it!

When it comes to (Cupid or whatever related to Eros) relationship, I am never an expert. As we all know, Newton’s third law of motion states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Somehow, that law doesn’t work for me. I have tested it, but there is never an equal and opposite reaction. Well, I mistake a feeling with an action and I guess that’s where my ‘experiment’ fails.

Speaking of manual, I wish there were a manual for a “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties.” Frankly, I have read some literature about Cupid or whatever related to Eros relationship, but none of the tips work. I have also talked to some friends about it, and nothing works. Is there something wrong with the manual? Or, maybe it is me that is…You have to know that I am a pariah and it is never easy to know what the opposite sex wants.

It’s true, Eros != programming.