If I have to be honest, I hate to have this feeling. I know I will never tell N about it, but I am so tormented. I want to be with her, but I am afraid. I don’t want to be considered as too aggressive. I don’t want to bother her, but…

Well, it is a different kind of feeling. I used to enjoy having a crush, and when I was tormented like this, I really loved the pain. Now, NO! Just kill me. I don’t care if she ever loves me or not, but I’ve had enough of this pain.

All right! I’ve had enough. I am tired of literature. No matter what I do, I am just never good at interpreting literature. I do write poetry and plays, but, sometimes, I think it is better that we do not interpret literature. Don’t you think we are loosing the essence or the meaning if we dig dipper?

I don’t know if a piece of literature is similar to a movie, but I would rather interpret a movie. It is visual, and we can see it (Although we can’t touch it). A poem or a novel is more difficult, because it is not visual. I remembered having to read a novel; then, watch a movie based on the novel. I understand the movie better than the novel.

Anyway, I’ve had enough of school. I get tired of it. I think I’ll just finish my Master’s and then find a job. I probably won’t get a PhD. I’ll just work as a geek and I’ll do anything. Besides, I have to start thinking about building a family. I’m sure, when I have a job, someone will be interested in me. Well, I am actually hoping that it will be N.

I should do something significant, like move to France and find a job there. I have about one more year for graduate school and then work. I hope, I will still be in touch with N.

That was brave! I really decided to tell N about my feeling after a while.

I don’t dream about N lately, and I don’t know why. She and I have been “close” though. Last Friday night, some friends organized a good-bye party and I spent a lot of time with N. Her friend took our picture and I was, to be honest, really happy.

I walked to N’s dorm today. I actually didn’t want to, but I don’t want to regret having this feeling without telling her. I called her room and she picked it up, then she went outside. And, I told her how I feel. I was nervous and I also gave her the poems I wrote for her.

She said that was nice. She was happy and smiled and was impressed by my braveness to tell her. “It’s hard for a lot of people to do that,” she said. “I’m happy.”

I have been thinking about it, but Ronan Keating’s “If Tomorrow Never Comes” made me brave enough to tell her. I don’t want to regret that I never tell her, but I want her to know, how much she means for me.

I don’t know how the story will go on in the future, but at least the burden has been lifted off now.