lixie’s dinner

That was brave! I really decided to tell N about my feeling after a while.

I don’t dream about N lately, and I don’t know why. She and I have been “close” though. Last Friday night, some friends organized a good-bye party and I spent a lot of time with N. Her friend took our picture and I was, to be honest, really happy.

I walked to N’s dorm today. I actually didn’t want to, but I don’t want to regret having this feeling without telling her. I called her room and she picked it up, then she went outside. And, I told her how I feel. I was nervous and I also gave her the poems I wrote for her.

She said that was nice. She was happy and smiled and was impressed by my braveness to tell her. “It’s hard for a lot of people to do that,” she said. “I’m happy.”

I have been thinking about it, but Ronan Keating’s “If Tomorrow Never Comes” made me brave enough to tell her. I don’t want to regret that I never tell her, but I want her to know, how much she means for me.

I don’t know how the story will go on in the future, but at least the burden has been lifted off now.

Dear N,

You may find my letter a little crazy and you may hate me after you read it, but there is something that I have always wanted to tell you. I don’t have the courage to talk to you face to face, but, hopefully, this letter will help me tell you about my feeling.

You know, during DaF, I always glance at you. You may not know or may never notice when I do that, but I always spend some time admiring your beauty. I do not know you very well, but I really admire you after I invited you and your friends for a dinner at my place. You were very attentive and seemed to be absorbed in my stories. I really loved it when you commented on my stories too. Since then, I have had a big crush, if you want to call it that way, on you. I still can picture it in my head where you sat that night. I may not remember every bit of the things that happened, but some memories remain in my brain.

Well, I don’t really know what else to say, but I have been dreaming about you. I don’t know why. Honestly, I have put you in my mind after that night, and, maybe, my subconscious mind expresses my thoughts about you through my dreams. I am happy to have you in my dreams, but I feel so pathetic, because I can talk to you only in my dreams. I do want to spend more time with you, but I am always afraid. I am really afraid to ask you out, and I am even afraid to say “Hi” to you. I am afraid you are afraid of me.

N, I am sad that the semester is almost over. That means, I may never see your best smile again. I will go back to the States and you will go back to your home country, F, and if fate determines, we will see each other again, but I am afraid that fate determines otherwise. There will be no more you and me at the same time and place.

I am sad that we haven’t spent a lot of times together and I really wish that you and I could spend a walk along the river, eat ice cream and have a long conversation afterward. It may never happen. I am sad that my story and your story do not happen like I want it.

Well N, I hope I will see you again in the future. Maybe, the story will be different. Maybe, fate will determine a more beautiful story, a story that I really want between us. I wish you best of luck.

The one, who admires you,

N

At least to me, the telephone is something new. I was exposed to that technology when I was 16 or 17, because I lived in a small town in my home country. We did not have access to it considering our town was “underdeveloped” and most of the people did not need a telephone to deliver their message. If we had something urgent to talk about with our relatives in another part of the island, we went to their house at the very same day. Of course, it was not convenient since the transport system, as well as the infrastructure and the distance, did not help us much to convey the message quickly.

I do not remember when I first used a telephone, but I thought it was something amazing when I first used it, because I can hear my friend or relatives’ voice from the device, although they live in another part of the island. Far before I used the technology, however, I have learned the technicalities of how a telephone works, but my knowledge about the technology was limited only to the science behind it.

It was a good news to us when the national telephone company expanded its network to our area. Soon enough, almost everyone in the neighborhood installed a telephone, and it felt like an exciting feeling to most families when their telephone rang. It was like a call from “Heaven” and they were proud to have it, because it showed the community that they were well off. Before it entered our area, a telephone was considered as a luxury, because it could reach only the middle and the higher class. Everything changed when it became part of our town considering the lower class could finally “chip in” to the development of the country in general.

Now, almost everyone uses a telephone, land line or cell phone, to communicate with their friends and loved ones, but I personally dislike it. I had my first cell phone almost two years ago, but I have disliked it even before I had one. I cannot stand the tone or the vibration, because it always bothers me, especially when I’m in the middle of a lecture or Jum’ah, Friday prayer*.

It is true that emergency or urgent issues come when they are not expected, but I often wonder why we cannot turn off or set our cell phone to silent when we know that we will spend about two hours for the lecture or Jum’ah. It always bothers me when the lecture or Jum’ah is interrupted by someone’s cell phone. I don’t know if I have to “show” sympathy if the call is a bad news, like “I call you to let you know that I want to break up with you,” but if it is a call like “Sorry I cannot go shopping with you today,” I am irritated, but I would rather not say anything about it.

Honestly, I am scared of phone calls, because you never know what kind of news you are going to hear. If it is a good news, it is no problem, but if it’s the opposite, I’ll probably say, “Don’t even bother calling me for a bad news.” Every time the telephone rings in my room, my hearts pounds. My mind is filled with questions, “Maybe it is from the Embassy; maybe it is from my family who wants to tell me some bad news; maybe it is from so and so,” and I feel relieved when I find out that it is not a bad news.

You just never know when that call comes to your life, but I’m prepared for the worst.

Footnote

* Salaatul Jum’ah is the weekly congregational prayer offered on Friday at the time of Zuhr, the prayer after midday (but before the shadow of the sun becomes twice its length from midday). Jum’ah substitutes for Zuhr prayer when said in a congregation. The Qur’an has enjoined the Muslims to observe Jum’ah services regularly in groups: “O believers, when the call is given for the Friday prayer, hasten to the remembrance of Allah and leave your trading, this is best for you, if you but know it.” (Al-Quran, 62:9).