To all my Dulcinea

Maybe I should be ashamed of myself or of you (for posting this), but…ah! Unrequited love―a bittersweet delicacy, like dark chocolate. It has inspired a lot of great writers, including Shakespeare and Goethe. And, here’s a poem from Abraham Cowley, “But of all pains, the greatest pain/It is to love, but love in vain.” Well, I guess all girls (women) are my Dulcinea.

Several months ago, I wrote:
“I am giving myself false hopes,
but I cannot resist
your beauty, your smile.
I dare not reach you.”

Love…sorrow…chagrin!

“Is love a tender thing? it is too rough,
too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn,” Romeo and Juliet.

At least to me, all girls (women) are my Dulcinea. Isn’t love sweet?

Bittersweet City

I went to the city today, for a reason that I do not have the liberty to say. I walked along Salzach and my brain played the song “It Might Be You” by Stephen Bishop, while thinking about a particular person. However, my mind was haunted by fear, problems and worries about everything related to the future, but I was happier this time, because, although I was obsessed with negative thoughts, my brain did not force me to be compulsive. The kind of behavior that usually makes me do repetitive things, like the need to do anything symmetrically.

That is a perfect match. I am obsessed with a “perfect” and “exact” life, and my compulsive behavior is the need for symmetry and total order around me. Yet, whatever happened today, the thought about the particular person, canceled out my compulsive behavior, even though my mind was preoccupied with negative feelings and thoughts about things that will not run perfectly. Somehow, I thought that everything will be perfect, if I am with her. We never know.

I have been asking myself, why I should go back to the city, Salzburg, but this is the destiny that I must follow. A year ago, I thought I would be happy if I lived here, but everything is totally the opposite now. To some degree, I am happy being in Salzburg, because I get to know some people and a particular person, with whom I can share my “craziness.” However, there is bitterness being in the city. Some of the locals are intricate and are not easy to predict. These are the kinds of behavior that will surprise you out of the blue.

I wish I could care less about this, but I become uncomfortable whenever I go to the city. It is difficult for me to look at them, the locals, in the eyes, because they may think I am suspicious or malicious, while I actually want to be friendly without having to smile and say, “Hi! I am a nice person. You can trust me and would you like to be my friend?” They are actually smiley, but, some of them have the kind of smile that are, sorry to say, insincere and cold. This is not good for me, because they make me lose the equilibrium in my brain. They add the imperfection, which causes negative “obsessions” in my gray matter, and my sanity will always be preoccupied with anything symmetrical as a “catharsis.”

I have to end this but the particular person has helped me in overcoming my compulsive behavior whenever my brain is busy with obsessive thoughts or impulses.

I am just wondering if she will be the sun that will shine my life eternally or the rainbow with its beautiful colors that will stay in my life only for a while. Maybe I am too quick to decide. All I need is time.

Love thy neighbor

To what extent can you love a person?

It never makes me stop to wonder that a person, who preaches, “Love your neighbor,” is actually a hateful person. Or, maybe he means, “Love your neighbor, as long as he is from the same faith”? That just doesn’t make sense.

Probably, most of you know televangelist Rod Parsley, a key McCain ally in Ohio. What did he say recently? In his book called “Silent No More,” he wants to destroy Islam, because it’s a “false religion.” Further, he calls for a new crusade. As he claims it, Islam is the new enemy of the world’s civilization. Hmm, if he preaches “Love your neighbor,” how come does he call for a war? Is war part of “love” that he preaches?

It still doesn’t make sense. You don’t wage war on people who don’t attack you. Moreover, if he preaches, “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also,” isn’t what he wants (to do) the total opposite of what he preaches? Waging a war on people who don’t attack you. Oh, now he’s talking about 911. He reasons that after 911, more and more people are turning to Islam, because Muslims spread their religion through violence. That’s just silly. Those people, who claim to be Muslims and bomb the WTC, are NOT Muslims. Besides, Prophet Sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam NEVER spread Islam with the sword.

To make it clear, Allah said in the Qur’an, La ikraha fid deen, “There is no compulsion in religion” (Al-Baqarah 256). In addition, Allah addressed the Prophet in a different Surah, Fain tawallaw fainnama ‘alaykal balaghul mubeen, “But if they turn away from you, (O Prophet remember that) your only duty is a clear delivery of the Message (entrusted to you)” (An-Nahl 82). We Muslims are obligated to make da’wah, meaning inviting people to Islam. Regarding this issue, Allah said in Surah An-Nahl, Od’u ila sabeeli rabbika bialhikmati waalmaw’ithati alhasanat, “Invite to the Way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom and fair preaching, and argue with them in a way that is better” (125). Does it say anything about violence?

Back to Parsley. I wonder where he gets the idea that Islam is spread through violence. I dare say it. Those who condone violence are people who do not have religion; however, as far as I know, people who don’t believe in God do not condone violence. So, it is ironic that a person, who believes in God and preaches love, teaches and condones violence toward others.

If a person who preaches “Love your neighbor” spread hate (Instead of love), I call that person a hypocrite, because what he preaches is NOT a reflection of his behavior. We have to save ourselves from this (hypocrisy)!

In the Islamic tradition, we call it munāfiq. There may not be any difference in meaning, but Prophet Sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam said that the munāfiqūn have the following characters:
1. Whenever he is entrusted, he betrays.
2. Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie.
3. Whenever he makes a covenant, he proves treacherous.
4. Whenever he quarrels, he behaves in a very imprudent, evil and insulting manner (Bukhari & Muslim).
It is obvious, that the person we are talking about (Parsley) possesses one of these characters.

I am not attacking his faith but his personality, because, as I believe, whatever he says about Islam in his book, does not come from the Bible. Why would a person preach something that is not in the Book?

The one

You can say I’m infatuated these days, because the kind of songs that I listen to is love songs, especially “You are so beautiful” by Joe Cocker. Honestly, I don’t enjoy listening to romantic songs, because they sound “depressing” sometimes and they give me some sort of false hopes that I may never get in the future.

Yes, I am being pessimistic, because…Well, what do you expect from a person if he always “fails”? It seems like there is no hope for the future and giving up is the only answer. Some people say I’m still young and this time is not the right time. I still have to pursue my goal and need to achieve something to prove “her” that I am everything that she needs. “Believe me. She’s out there looking for you too,” s/he said. It may be true, but, when you are lonely sometimes, you need someone. Where is “she”?

I had a dream that I met “the one” again last night. It was the most beautiful moment that I ever had in my life. It was the time that made think I was the happiest man in the world, but it’s just a dream. What’s in a dream? Well, at least, it’s not the kind of nightmare that has been haunting me since 1998, but, if it’s the kind of dream that gives you false hopes, it is a nightmare too, right? By the way, I don’t like false hopes.

As always, when she comes to my dream, she never says anything, and I never know how she looks like. In my dream last night, we went biking and she held me tightly. I can’t say much about the dream, but it was so sweet because we had a lot of fun. The kind of fun that I always imagine when I have “the one.” Maybe I should be happy, because I still can dream about it. That’s just pathetic! Or, maybe I should be happy, because I’m still single. I still can do whatever I want and can devote the time that I have for my hobbies and interests. Am I being selfish?

Who is “the one”? I don’t know. I don’t have any descriptions of her, but I always want somebody who can love me for who I am; small, witty and love to joke. So far, she, who has been coming to my dreams, is the one. I don’t know her and I can never see her face, but, for some reason, I always think it’s Penelope Cruz, or somebody who looks like Penelope Cruz, :p.

The ideal woman [I] should marry

Some friends say that I should marry a geekette, a term for geek girls, because they assume that she and I will be a perfect couple. It’s true that we can discuss a lot of things of our interests. We may discuss coding problems together; we may talk about the strategies that we can use in video games; we will definitely build our computer and server from scratch together; we can always talk about new gadgets and can always share geeky jokes. I can learn from her and so can she from me, but I’d rather not.

I can imagine how sweet it is “marrying” a person, who shares the same interest. We can share our hobbies together and it will also be good if she likes hiking and some other extreme sports. I have always thought that it would be wonderful and lovely, because there is always a person, with whom I can share my “craziness” together. You know, I have always wanted to build a robot and a rocket. I’m sure, she and I can work things out to make them come true, but I know, deep inside, we may never know and understand each other.

I once read a story about Albert Einstein and his first wife, Mileva Marić. They were both scientists and shared the same things together. And, I believe, through their “togetherness,” interests and their deep love of science, they became one. They were married and produced two children. In a letter to Marić, Einstein wrote of Marić as “a creature who is my equal and who is as strong and independent as I am.” However, despite their love of science, they got divorced because they never knew each other. They never shared anything about themselves, about what they like or dislike in addition to science. Maybe, this is a story to think about (for me).

So, what’s the key to a successful marriage?

I’m not in a rush for marriage (given that I haven’t found the one). Marriage is not merely an “I love you” relationship, but it’s also based on devotion, responsibility, loyalty, care, nurture and so on. The list is so long that it is impossible (for me) to describe what marriage is. Maybe it’s because I’m not married so I can’t “describe” it.

Most of my friends in my home country are already married. I am happy for them, because they have found the one and married the ideal person in their mind. I am close to being thirty years old now, but I have never had a girlfriend (I have an ideal woman to marry too, but I won’t write it down here). Maybe, because of those “standards,” I have been blinded, which makes it difficult to just “see” and find her. However, people say that it shouldn’t be a quick decision to make. I have to make sure that she is not the wrong person, so that I won’t be sorry for the rest of my life.

I have had several crushes, infatuation and, maybe, love, but they are just one-sided case, which never made it to a so called relationship. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but these conditions, if you want to call it that way, have put me down and made me thought that I am…I’d better not say it. Shortly, I have lost hopes.

Maybe I should stop from being an idealist, “Sorry, I’m just a dreamer.”