lixie’s dinner

If I have to be honest, I hate to have this feeling. I know I will never tell N about it, but I am so tormented. I want to be with her, but I am afraid. I don’t want to be considered as too aggressive. I don’t want to bother her, but…

Well, it is a different kind of feeling. I used to enjoy having a crush, and when I was tormented like this, I really loved the pain. Now, NO! Just kill me. I don’t care if she ever loves me or not, but I’ve had enough of this pain.

All right! I’ve had enough. I am tired of literature. No matter what I do, I am just never good at interpreting literature. I do write poetry and plays, but, sometimes, I think it is better that we do not interpret literature. Don’t you think we are loosing the essence or the meaning if we dig dipper?

I don’t know if a piece of literature is similar to a movie, but I would rather interpret a movie. It is visual, and we can see it (Although we can’t touch it). A poem or a novel is more difficult, because it is not visual. I remembered having to read a novel; then, watch a movie based on the novel. I understand the movie better than the novel.

Anyway, I’ve had enough of school. I get tired of it. I think I’ll just finish my Master’s and then find a job. I probably won’t get a PhD. I’ll just work as a geek and I’ll do anything. Besides, I have to start thinking about building a family. I’m sure, when I have a job, someone will be interested in me. Well, I am actually hoping that it will be N.

I should do something significant, like move to France and find a job there. I have about one more year for graduate school and then work. I hope, I will still be in touch with N.

N organized a grill party yesterday evening and I went there. At first, I didn’t want to go, because I didn’t want to feel awkward being around the girl that I adore so much, but I decided to go because I really wanted to see N.

She and I had a little chit chat, and I was happy. I could spend more time talking to her, but she hosted the event, so I didn’t want to disturb her. To make myself happy, and also to show her how much I care for her, I helped her a little. It’s nice to see her smile, but too bad I couldn’t stay long. Well, if I wanted to stay longer, I wanted to spend more time with N. I guess it was impossible.

I have been thinking to get over this feeling completely. It actually has been there since November. It died down for a while, but it came back on. It’s some sort of a crush that won’t stop. Maybe “somebody” wrote an intentional infinite loop for the feeling. I just can’t stop adoring N.

I had to submit a summary of my thesis’ research, but, while doing the summary, I couldn’t get her out of my head. I excused myself to her before I left, and she said, “I will think of you.” Out of nowhere, I said, “Me too.” She was surprised, and why did I say that? So, apparently, I kept on thinking of her.

I’m planning on asking her out for a cup of coffee or tea. Maybe, this will be too obvious, but I guess I don’t care. The semester is almost over and let will be will be. If it is ruined, then it is ruined.

Wait! I’m still thinking about N.