lixie’s dinner

I went to the city today, for a reason that I do not have the liberty to say. I walked along Salzach and my brain played the song “It Might Be You” by Stephen Bishop, while thinking about a particular person. However, my mind was haunted by fear, problems and worries about everything related to the future, but I was happier this time, because, although I was obsessed with negative thoughts, my brain did not force me to be compulsive. The kind of behavior that usually makes me do repetitive things, like the need to do anything symmetrically.

That is a perfect match. I am obsessed with a “perfect” and “exact” life, and my compulsive behavior is the need for symmetry and total order around me. Yet, whatever happened today, the thought about the particular person, canceled out my compulsive behavior, even though my mind was preoccupied with negative feelings and thoughts about things that will not run perfectly. Somehow, I thought that everything will be perfect, if I am with her. We never know.

I have been asking myself, why I should go back to the city, Salzburg, but this is the destiny that I must follow. A year ago, I thought I would be happy if I lived here, but everything is totally the opposite now. To some degree, I am happy being in Salzburg, because I get to know some people and a particular person, with whom I can share my “craziness.” However, there is bitterness being in the city. Some of the locals are intricate and are not easy to predict. These are the kinds of behavior that will surprise you out of the blue.

I wish I could care less about this, but I become uncomfortable whenever I go to the city. It is difficult for me to look at them, the locals, in the eyes, because they may think I am suspicious or malicious, while I actually want to be friendly without having to smile and say, “Hi! I am a nice person. You can trust me and would you like to be my friend?” They are actually smiley, but, some of them have the kind of smile that are, sorry to say, insincere and cold. This is not good for me, because they make me lose the equilibrium in my brain. They add the imperfection, which causes negative “obsessions” in my gray matter, and my sanity will always be preoccupied with anything symmetrical as a “catharsis.”

I have to end this but the particular person has helped me in overcoming my compulsive behavior whenever my brain is busy with obsessive thoughts or impulses.

I am just wondering if she will be the sun that will shine my life eternally or the rainbow with its beautiful colors that will stay in my life only for a while. Maybe I am too quick to decide. All I need is time.